Hikisakareru Omoi
by Nobody 08
Summary: Torn up emotions get exposed to the night air.


_I am ruthless, fearless, strong, and I always face any fight or challenge with a cold and calculating certainty. _

_I am not one to glance at the clock every five minutes, in a mixed anticipation of the appointment I had been trying for so long to avoid, but still could never refuse. _

_My name is Soi Fon, and I am the Captain of the Second Squad of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads, established in order to protect the Soul Society, and help maintain the balance of souls there and in the living world. _

I set aside the last of the pile of paperwork, having finally finished it. I glance at my schedule. I always keep myself booked, I honestly shouldn't have time for this... but I moved things around so it would work.

Because Shihouin Yoruichi-sama asked me to.

Because the appointment is with her.

She came to me last week, she was not her usual self.

She was lacking her... normal _energy_....

I had told her last time she tried to talk to me that she needed to make an appointment. Of course, I said that because she as bothering me while I was working, and I don't want to talk to her, really....

At the same time, it's all I want....

When I said she had to make an appointment... I never say anything that I don't mean, but....

For her I would make an exception.

But on that day last week.... she was sitting in my windowsill, her head hung low, and she barely muttered,

"Soi Fon..." She paused for what felt like an eternity, then looked up at me and said, "I... I want to make an appointment with you...."

I still don't know what was going through her mind, but it's all I've been able to think about since then.

Yoruichi-sama....

….

"I guess I should go now...." I tell myself out loud to as I walk over to the window. I quietly step onto the frame, and lean out while holding it with my left hand. As soon as I let go, I flash step to a nearby rooftop and start heading toward the site of my next scheduled event of the day....

_**Meeting with Yourichi-sama at the place where....**_

I stop at a clearing in a forest of blooming cherry blossom trees.

_**The moon is up....**_

"You showed." I hear a familiar voice say.

"Of course I did." I reply, feeling the source's spiritual pressure begin to flow, "Do you think I would miss an appointment?"

She laughs.

I can hear the sadness through her laughter....

"What do you want, Yoruichi?" I ask, coldly. Coldly enough for my usual outside appearance, but too cold for to be speaking to Yoruichi-sama....

She laughs again, but this time she stops short. There is silence for a while, until she asks,

"How long has it been since we've been here...?"

"Well past one hundred years." I answer. There is silence again, but shortly after, I hear a sound, like the wind rushing behind me. I turn to find Yoruichi-sama standing there, her head still low. I feel my heartstrings being tugged, and my desire to find some way to comfort her, to make her smile like she always does, grow stronger and threaten to crush out my thoughts. But I cast it all aside.

"Soi Fon...."

I keep quiet. If she has something to say, she'll say it. If this were anyone else, I would have pointed that out to them and turned my back, maybe giving them five seconds to say their piece.

But this is Yoruichi-sama. In this case, I wait.

"I...." she uncharacteristically chews on her sentence.

"Yoruichi-sama...." I whisper under my breath. I wonder if she heard me.

"I'm sorry." she finally says. She looks into my eyes and says, "God, Soi Fon, I am so sorry."

She's about to cry.

Something inside me breaks. Whatever it was, it had held up for over one hundred years, and now it suddenly crumbled. I can only imagine how frightening my expression is.

"You're SORRY?!" I snap at her, "I was DEVOTED to you, ALL OF ME, and you suddenly leave for a hundred years, and you think a simple APOLOGY is going to fix everything?!"

"No," she whimpers, "I know it's not, but you deserve that. No, you really deserve much more than that. I know what I did to you, and I---"

"NO YOU DON'T!" I scream at her, the words escaping from my lips before I can think about it; I continue, strangely, inexplicably, pathetically on the verge of tears myself, "YOU HAVE _NO_ IDEA WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME!!!"

"...."

For a few moments, Yoruichi-sama doesn't respond. But then she steps forward, and embraces me.

"Then tell me." she cries softly into my ear, "Tell me what I've done to you so I can try to make it right. Or maybe I can never truly do that; maybe what I've done to you is so unforgivable that I can never really make things right between us, but..." she trails off, letting me get lost in my shock, my pain, my wants and needs....

My emotions.

_**Where had they been...?**_

"I want to try." she finishes.

"Y-Yoruichi-sama...."

I consider not telling her. My weakness begins to run down my cheeks, and I grit my teeth, angry at myself for letting it come to this.

"I've been here...." I try to figure out how to adequately word how I've... 'felt' about everything, "I've been here, waiting for you... I thought I..." I hiccup in spite of myself, and shamefully clutch Yoruichi-sama closer to me, "I thought I wanted to bring you to justice myself... but that was just to justify my continual... _obsession_ with you, Yoruichi-sama!" the word 'obsession' comes out as a hiss, "I was waiting for you because...." I stop, trying to think through my reeling mind, trying to finish what I'm saying, even though I don't know what it is. "I've been here for more than one hundred years, trying to block out everything I considered to be weak, including my emotions.... I've spent more than one hundred years... without a heart!" Yoruichi moves her head back to look into my eyes.

"Soi Fon.... I had no idea...." she says, her honest heartfelt apology shining in her eyes.

"One hundred years... without a heart..." I slowly repeat, placing my forehead on her shoulder to hide my unworthy face. I groan the rest of the statement, forcing it out, "because I had already given it to you."

I had never planned on ever saying it, and I'm appalled at myself for even considering revealing such a weakness to anyone; disgusted with myself for HAVING said weakness. For having any weakness.

Not only that but... we're both female...

"So you've been hiding too...." Yoruichi says.

"What?" I look up at her; she's smiling through tears.

"I'm actually a mess without you...." she clarifies.

I almost gasp. She....

"You what?" I ask. She chuckles lightly.

"Having hearing problems, Soi Fon? I said I--"

"No, I heard what you said," I interrupt, "but what does it mean?"

"It means..." she replies, putting a hand over my cheek, "I think I gave you my heart too...."

I just stare at her. Ridiculous, stupid, and useless are concepts that all flash through my mind, and I know I'm thinking of myself.

"No," the word slips from my trembling lips, "after so long.... After all this? NOW you love me?" I step back hard, releasing myself from her arms, "I thought you HATED me! And now you LOVE me?" She never hated me though; in that moment, I understood that. I just hate myself....

Yoruichi's shock was blatant on her face.

"Wait, Soi Fon, please.... I can't possibly understand what you're going through, I could never even begin to guess at what's going on in your head right now, but I... I...." she pauses, watching my face, which I'm sure is angry and confused, among other things, "No. You have the right to reject me. After what I've done...." she makes a small motion, but she stops. I read it as her wanting to move toward me again, but holding back. "You loved me, and I left. So now... you have the right to do the same." She averts her gaze to the ground beside her. My expression hardens into pure determination as a droplet falls from her face to the cherry blossom petals scattered across the grass.

"How could you even say that?" I ask. Yoruichi-sama's golden eyes pierce my gray ones once more, and a request for an explanation glimmers there. Annoyance overtakes me, "How could you even suggest that I would do that? After how much it hurt me, you think I would be foolish enough to do that to you, the very person I adore more than anything else? That I would purposely hurt the one I swore to protect with my soul?"

"Soi... Fon...." Yoruichi-sama stands completely still.

"I plan to uphold that oath, Yoruichi!" I tell her, smirking in a slightly playful, yet mostly challenging way, "I'm going to protect you! I will do everything I can to keep you happy.... And also... in rising above myself and accepting this, instead of leaving you...." I find myself honestly smiling as I shout, "I will prove my superiority!"

She stares at me, dumbfounded. I smile widely at her.

"You..." she says, astonished, "You're grinning."

"Am I?" I ask, continuing my smile. I feel like an idiot.

"Did you just..." Yoruichi-sama asks, smiling a little herself, "poke fun at yourself?"

"I was hoping you would laugh," I admit, dropping the smile, and feeling heat rise to my face, "I... I don't want to see you crying anymore...."

"Soi Fon?" Yoruichi smiles at me, a light bulb begins to glow inside her, and suddenly she's even more painfully beautiful than she ever was before. "Does this mean...?"

"Yes, Yoruichi-sama," I answer, flash stepping to hold her to me, "I believe it does mean we're together now."

"Was flash stepping just now really necessary?" Yoruichi asks of me, laughing a little and returning my hold.

"I've been waiting for so long," I tell her quietly, truthfully, "being slow then would have been agony for me...."

We both move our heads back to look at each other. I plan to make loving eye contact with her, but when I see her looking at me that way, I can't stop my cheeks from getting warm. Then I notice that Yoruichi-sama's blushing too, which in turn makes my face warmer, but a smile spreads over my features as I decide to start bringing my red face closer to hers.

"Soi Fon...." she moans. I pause.

"Yes?" I ask. She seems surprised and baffled for a split-second, then grins.

"Thank you." she says, "Thank you, Soi Fon."

"You're welcome." I respond. We stand there for a few seconds before Yoruichi-sama grins wider and says,

"But by all means, continue what you were doing...."

"Of course, Yoruichi-sama...." I say, moving closer again.


End file.
